Angel has cancer.....she's getting Chemo now. Once that's done she'll have about 6 months to a year left to live. :(

we had to put buddy to sleep yesterday.....i cried...a lot.....He was choking on his own blood. The cancer had spread so it was from his nose, right by his eye, his pallet and i think the back of his throat. He was bleeding. The cancer was going to cause a massive nose bleed that he would have bled to death from. I came home from school as soon as I talked to my mom on the phone. I had such a bad feeling yesterday morning. Im so glad I called. I got off the phone with her at 9:18am and the next bus to norristown came at 9:32am...i had just enough time to grab a day bag, email my professors and split. My dad was working that day so he ended up picking me up though. By the time I got to Philly to take the train home...it wouldve been too late. Then there was an overturned tractor trailer on the highway so we were stuck for a 1/2 hour and I walked up and down the highway. The guy behind us was really nice btw...big black guy with really white teeth...lol..Michelle came over too. When i saw him...he looked so sad. The bump had gotten a lot bigger. I remember being a little scared....you know that gurggling noise that happens when you blow bubbles in a drink??? not the bubble poping...the gurggle. well, thats what he sounded like when he was breathing. I thought he was growling at me...but then I realized he had blood in his throat. I just pet him and held him. I told him he was a good boy...(he's a gud buds) and that I know but itll be okay. Michelle came out with me. Mel started to cry when i told her that he was going to be put down today. He kept putting his paw on my leg. My mom told me that they bought him soft dog food and after he ate the food there would be blood in the bowl. Mel would give him a cookie but hed throw up snotty muscusy stuff. But as long as he was eating, that was all that mattered. He was 103 lbs at the vet. When my parents came out...he kept moving cuz he couldnt get comfy. But he was smiling and giving me his paw. We had to take him then. God, I really didnt want to. But...the bleeding wouldve started that night and it wouldve been much worse. He was such a good dog. We get into the cars and I could see him in the back of my dads car. He was so happy to be going somewhere. We got to the vet. I had michelle take some pictures with my phone because he would move every time I tried. We stayed out there for a bit. He didnt even notice the cat in the cage behind him or the dog on the other side of the car. lol. The people getting into their car realized what was happening. Haha...that cat noticed him though. lol. When we brought him in, there was another lady in the waiting room. She saw us crying and i noticed her face dropped a bit. She went into another room. They called us back. That room was so small. I held on to him and kissed him and hugged him. John tried to open the other door and hit buds and I in the face. So, he decided to walk around to the other door. I held on so tight to him. My poor puppy. God I loved him. I kept telling him he was a good boy. And he was. He was such a good boy. The nurse offered to give us a few more minutes but my mom said "no, lets just get this over with." Her face was so red...she was crying. I left. I couldnt bare it anymore...i didnt want to see it. I hugged him and walked out. I did turn around once I got to the door and looked in to see his back and everyone around him. I walked straight outside and just let the tears fall. A little while later my mom came out. I thought it was done. But it wasnt. She said they were giving him the euthanasia at that moment. They gave him a sedative first to knock him out. You know, he was pissed because someone stuck him with a needle. lol. He wasnt even scared. Because he couldnt clear his throat and was unconcious so he had these spazzum things that looked like seizures. But, his body was trying to clear his throat. My dad came out. And we all went in. He looked like he was sleeping. I wanted him to wake up and for the cancer to be gone. He really looked like he was sleeping. I ran my had down the side of him. His choke chain and collar was gone. That pissed me off for some reason. It was his. Why wasnt it there??? I scratched his chest and hugged him again. That was so hard. Ive never gone with my dad before when we've had a dog put to sleep. I was in 3rd grade when Sammy was put down so I was too young. Then Keisha was going to the vet and had a stroke in the car that she wouldnt be able to recover from. I wasnt there. I had wildcats cheerleading that day. Sammy was in the beggining of may...it was raining when my daddy came back. It was the end of August when keisha died. God....it was so hard. My puppy. We had him for 10 years. We had to leave. They were gunna call us once they finished the cremation. I was half hoping he would wake up when i scratched his chest. He loved it when people did that. God...i miss him...When we came home I looked towards the gate and it stung. I always looked there cuz thats where buddy would always lay or be when you came home or left. I took angel outside to play. I waited to hear his chain to jingle as he got up to come get pet. I shouldve pet him more. The jingle never came. It was wrong not having him there. Not having him in his hole or by the trash cans, or under the window. God....it was just so wrong. He needed to be there. He just needed to be. Before I left to go back to school, I went into the playroom and locked the door. We always made sure the door was locked.  Buds would get scared that someone was gunna come in and steal him. After I locked the door I turned to pet him and say "its okay, no one is gunna steal da buds, your a good boy. yeah da buds is a good boy." He wasnt there when I reached for him. Ouch. He wasnt hiding between the tv and the couch either. I looked. I went around to say goodbye to the puppies and i forgot. I went looking for him. He was such a strong, big and dangerous dog. But no one ever saw that side. Everyone saw my big baby. He was such a big baby. Such a gorgeous dog. I didnt think he was that big. But my dad always laughs when i say that. He says "thats cuz youve grown up with dogs that size". The house felt so empt. So incomplete. We all noticed though. After we got Ginger, he deteriorated A LOT quicker. It was like he was waiting to make sure Angel would be taken care of. On his last day, the dogs would come over and check on him and then leave him alone. They knew. Im positive. He had so much dignity. John said we got as much as we could out of him. He had a good life. His old owners let him out to either be hit by a car or for someone to pick him up. I still remember watching the husband walk away with this leash in hand. He had a tear. He loved buddy too. I think the next time im home ill drop a note at their house with a picture of him and let them know that he died. I miss him.

To make it even better....Brian and I decided to take a break on Sept. 4th....I talked to my mom about 9 hours after that.

I miss my puppy. I love him.

RIP
"Da Budz"
10/30/96-4/5/07
...wheres our big pup.....

Currently Listening Face Down By Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Face Down see related

i think there is something up with my account cuz when i log on it takes me automatically to 4 specific sites and then back home...and it repeats it everytime i log on...its weird, w/e....while im here i guess ill write

welll i guess i should go back to my birthday. It freakin rocked!! omg! and what made it better was that no one forgot it which has never happened before. someone always forgets...even ppl who were supposed to be my best friends forgot. but it was so cool...i got to wear a tiarra(sp) for the day. At the end of the day i went to fraus room like usual and michelle and manda went somewhere soi was left in fraus room for a bit. Then frau gets a phone call, walks over to a desk and hands me this blue dress and a note that told be to be ready at 6. So im walking out to my car and i get a phone call from manda telling me to hurry up and get home. I tried to find her but i couldnt. So i get home and im just about to fall asleep when in comes char, manda and michelle with cans of silly string. They completely covered me with it. My sister stuck it like in my face so i breathed in the fumes...that sucked. So they dress me up, blind fold me and stick me in a car. Manda started to panic cuz i was tracking where we were going. Michelle would turn around and stuff to try and confuse me...but to no such luck...only cuz im awesome. lol. But we pull into this parking lot and i am assisted out. I really had no clue where we were by that point cuz michelle made a turn that threw me off. So we walk in and i can kinda see my feet. I tried to figure out where i was cuz the hall felt narrow and turned, then the hardwood floor went to carpet. I could kinda see my feet which is how i saw where my feet were, cuz in those shoes i WOULD HAVE died. lol. then i rememeber manda talking about taking everyone to OCB and i started to get nervous cuz we werent sitting down anywhere. Then they told me to walk through the doors and i was like "SHIT! you guys suck!" i turned around and refused to take off my blind fold. Manda made me take it off and then spun me around. it might have been michelle actually...i dont remember. well i turn around and there was Lauren, Peter, Angie, Shara, Kelsey, Jeff, Maura and Jason. They threw me a god damn surprise party. Complete with massive amounts of food and coffee maker for lauren and mine's dorm, cards, my very own tiarra , friends, and beautiful white roses <3. it was so crazy. I didnt want to take my dressie off...i loved being a pincess <3 oh! and amanda and michelle bought me this beautiful ring! it has 3 diamond like stones on it (of course its not real diamond, i just dont know what the stone is called and thats what it reminded me of) Amanda said that the 3 stones rep. my friends, me, and my family.

My cousin Kayln is moving 10 hours away to Ohio. He came over during my sisters party and i almost cried when he left. I didnt want him to go. We've always been close cuz he's a year younger than me and hes always lived the closet to me (from my dad's side of the family)...even if it was in jersey. ALl of my other cousins live so far away and i hate that i cant' be there like my older cousins were there with me. I told him im coming up to visit and he can come down to visit me at college.

Speaking of college...once that starts im prob. gunna get a new xanga. i dunno yet tho. Lauren is gunna be my roommate and Brian and peter are gunna be roommates. I move in Aug. 23 and Im gunna be the gymnastics team manager which will be freakin awesome! hey---its better than nothing. it was so cool cuz when i went to over night orientation i got to talk to my guidance counselor in spanish. Like a REAL conversation. We talked about political issues in Argentina. It was A.W.E.S.O.M.E.! Im double majoring in Spanish and International relations. But im thinking about changing that to IR and Spanish. I might go to italy for a photography course next summer. I will be in spain during my sophmore year and japan during my junior year. Im thinking germany during one of those summers. My new goal is to become an Embassador. But, Im still going to be a police officer in Middletown (K-9 Unit or Granny detail) and im still gunna try for special agent in the fbi.

Char's in Germany right now. She saw Kathy too! Im still waiting to hear back from peter about weither or not him and kathy will be able to come visit. I really hope they can! itd be so freakn awesome! i havent seen them in over 2 years!

Im working 2 jobs right now. I teach gymnastics and a cheerleading tumbling class at bucks. ANNND i just started working at Wal-Mart...HEY! they're paying me very well thank you! But im working 6-11 and im gunna see if they can change that to day or evening hours. I hope they can. Its pretty cool. I had to do a bunch of CBL's (Computer based learning) today so i start my register on sun. yay? idk...

I gave some little girl those little teddy bears they sell at ACMoore. Her mom didnt want to pay for them and the little girl was like "i like this color and this color annd-" her mom wouldnt let her have them and walked away. So, the girll picks up one, cradles it and starts to sing to it. I knew i had those bears in my purse from jeff, so i pulled out the pink one and tapped her on the shoulder. I handed her that one, then 2 more, then the other 3. I told her to tell mommy that they were already paided for and to put them in her pocket. I know i went against mommy but you shouldve seen the look on her face. It was sooo cute! it was like i was god or something. lol...i just figured shed get a lot more use out of them then i would and i remember how much i loved those little bears when i was little and my mommy wouldnt let me have them. She had blonde hair and bright BLUE eyes..not light blue, but a blue color that was very bright---like me when i was little...lol..

Brian and I are still together 8 months this time...21 months total. He is absolutely wonderful and perfect and and and idk...i wish i had seen it before. I mean, we have always been really good friends. But, I feel like we've been together longer than we actually have. oh well... i him.

im tired....next issue will include: break up drama, graduation parties, mauras presant, neighbor ghost story annnnnnd i guess beach trips?